Depression

Dear Bloggie,

Sorry for not writing and updating...I was too busy with work, studies, church ministries (YM, CG, SS, Choir etc)..until I had lost my focus and priorities..where should I start?..I am afraid as I am writing here, I will cry..but I will try to hold my tears as I am now in office..no private space for me to hide my teary face...

WORK
Had been working for 11 months with this company..Praise God for this 11 months..had my early job confirmation, salary adjustments, bonus, job recognition..
Last 2 weeks, my FC called me for a meeting and had given me an important task..she would like me to handle and understand 100% on the transport department matters. Currently my job scope:-
1) in charged of lorries dept-drivers ' commission, lorries repair and maintenance, lorries profit & loss analysis
2) bank reconciliation of Company A
3) full set of account for Company B
4) Closing of jobs to recognise profit
5) assist in Company A's finance operations
Now, FC would like me to become an expert in transport department..any questions asked from the management, I must be able to answer at my finger tips..she did help me to outline and guide me on how to go about it...I agreed with her on:-
1) if i continue to do what i am doing now, i would not learn much and it's a waste as i have the qualification but doing something that a diploma holder can do
2) if i have the expertise in one area, even if i left this company and work with another company with similar nature, i would have the advantage there
To be honest, i didn't know whether to be happy or sad...all i know that this is very challenging because i have to spend lots of time to sit down and think/plan on what should i do first..i am grateful to my FC for her patience and help..and i think because of this, i overstress myself..i wanted to prove to her that i can do it..not just listen, say yes yes yes, then no actions done..
Another thing that make me furious is the attitute of my assistant..terrible..if her work is slow down or not done, then it will affect my part..

STUDIES
I am taking one paper for CPA this semester..exam is on 17/5/06..3 months away from now...have to finish 8 modules...due to poor time management, i hardly finish the first module..and i felt very bad and stress..mum had been nagging everyday..she was unhappy with me for failing last semester..blaming me that i didn't spend enough time to study and over-active in church ministries...this is what i hated to hear...i often ask myself, how come most of my CHristian friends' parents, they were so supportive to their children, but my mum is different...i felt she is not understanding...you think i am not sad for failing the paper..i paid RM1900+++ for it..i wanted to pass the paper also..but no positive words/encouragement from my family..i had a tough time too..friends told me that sometimes mum's nagging is good, at least it acts as a reminder to us..i agreed but don't think it apply to everyone...I think i said this before..if you see me crying..the main reason is that i had an argument with mum again...everytime i quarrel with her, i felt so bad...even if i am not the one initiating the fight.
i knew for this semester, i have to try extra harder to pass this paper...i didnt want to give any chance to listen to anymore negative comments!
but from Jan'06 till now, i hardly have time to sit down and study..even if i have the time, it is always late at night..less than an hour...no energy to study..sleepy..next day..have to settle other things..gosh..what should i do..i admit that my time management is poor here..

CG
Serving as the CG leader was not an easy task..lots of responsibilities and everyone is observing and putting high hopes on you..i admitted that i gave myself lots of stress here..i wanted to make sure everything is under control, each member is well taken care of, each cg meeting is properly scheduled, members felt the sense of belonging etc...
I am grateful to all my members who have been so helpful and supportive..

YM
Another responsibility here...all CG leaders and co-leaders are automatically the committees of YM and each one of us play major role...activities are on every month..meetings to attend...for this month, i was assigned to be in charged of the Feb event, cooking competition, along with another sister in Christ..then along the planning, unexpected problems occur..bird flu (initially we set the main ingredient to be chicken), raining season..I was so stress on that day that i skipped dinner..Praise God, this event had finally over and was successful..
Next major event is YM mission camp on 29/4-1/5. I am one of the camp committee, which mean lots of meetings to attend (which i fear most), things to settle..just pray God will grant me wisdom and knowledge to overcome all stress and obstacles..

Church ministries
From this year onwards, I had actually withdraw myself from few ministries..Currently I am involve in CG, YM, Choir, P&W backup singers, SS resource centre (and i knew its still a lot).Almost everyday, I am occupied with church ministries..
Tues-CG
Wed-Choir practice
Sun-spend most of the day in church
then attending meetings during weekdays too (if any)..I understand why sometimes mum is so furious about me..24 hours a day, 168 hours a week..my family time is so limited.
47 hours at office, average 15 hours for church ministries, average 42 hours sleeping, then left 64 hours for me to do my personal things...I work on every Sat till 1pm. By the time I reach home, I am tired. Then usually there will be church meetings on Saturday..Next day, I spend 7 hours in church from morning till afternoon..
I have not been cleaning my room for ages...occasionally, my dad is the one that clean up my room..i felt so guity..dad is no longer young..i should be serving him not the other way round..
Yesterday, one of the main reason why i quarrelled with mum is because of miscommunication..I was involved in P&W and had to be in church by 7.30am..usually my sister will fetch mum to church for 2nd service which starts at 9.30am..but sis can't fetch her yesterday..so i suggested that sis fetch her to church at 9.30am then i will fetch her home at 1pm (she has women society gathering)..or another option is that i fetch her to women society gathering at 11am then fetch her back at 1pm...mum was there when sis and I discuss on her transportation matter..but mum did not response to our suggestions..so i assume she will ask sis to fetch her at 9.30am and then follow me back at 1pm..
So my plan for next day is:-
7.30-9am -attend first service and at the meantime, helping in the P&W
9.30-10am - stay back for a while to help out in P&W and choir
10-11.30am - go home and do some house chores
11.30am-1pm - return to church to help out in SS resource centre
1pm - go home with mum
But i was wrong..next day at about 9.18am, mum called me (but i didn't realise, my hp was in silent mode)..she actually thought i am suppose to go home and fetch her to church..so ended up, she came to church herself with her motorcycle..when i reached home at 10.15am, i knew i am in trouble already..mum will certainly scold me for not fetching her..so as i expected..a big quarrel occured,..she blaimed that i should inform her that i can't fetch her to church..i was there defending myself that i didn't promise her i am fetching her..i thought sis will do so..in conclusion, MIS-COMMUNICATION..then mum was so angry that she shouted why i kept singing on stage (i was the backup singers last Sunday and this Sunday)..no one else that can sing and help? mum said that i love to be on stage, to show off myself, my voice etc..i felt so hurt...how could she say that..she is not thinking from the perspective of a Christian..i am singing because i am serving the Lord..there is no reason for me to be on stage just to gain attraction...her words really hurt me deeply and without taking my lunch, i cried myself to bed.. have not been crying so terribly like yesterday..at that moment, i felt like no one actually understand me..

Yesterday i had my worst day...serving as backup singers was terrible..perhaps due to late sleep after the iron chef, i couldn't sing well and i felt so guilty for my praise leader..i was standing on stage, holding the microphone but no voice coming out from me..all i wanted is to come down the stage as soon as possible..then argument with mum..

This morning, i was lying on bed, asking myself should i come to work...i was so reluctant as i am too tired and weary..but i have deadlines to meet..so i forced myself to work...from morning till now, tears had been dropping..i couldn't cry myself loud and have to pretend nothing has happen..in my mind, everything is sad and negative..i think i am sick..suffering from depression already..i knew friends around are very concern of my situation now..don worry...i knew my current situation is terrible but it will soon go off..all i need is time to relax and rest...and I knew God understand me and is going through these hard times together with me..Amen